Wandering The Waves

Preface

Embracing emotions can be liberating. It can be dangerous. All of them; the pains, sorrows, joys, the in betweens. They come and go compatible with the tides of the ocean. Each day brings new waves within each of us.

I have tried to defy these waves for years. At times, I still do. It seems that no matter what I do in the water, I exhaust myself when battling against the natural cycles of nature.

Whereas remaining still, I find peace in the motion. We don’t frequently give consent to our deepest sentiments. They aren’t tangible. They don’t have to deal with the consequences of the physical realm. They can’t be criminally charged for harming us, they’ll never find “the one,” or get married, and they won’t feel any more or less than they are.

Our gifts and curses lie within our ability to shift between these sensations. Most suffering arises from our inability to adapt; to become fluid. My deepest anxieties reside in my useless fights to stop the various monsoons of life. As I continue, the storms will too. As I better understand them, I become more capable of riding them out, and recognizing the beauty in the destinations they push me to.

I am an obsessive thinker. Curiosity keeps my thoughts racing through my mind one after another. My brain feels like a battleground of ideas fighting to make it out of my mouth or onto paper. I try to see things from infinite angles. In circumstances where others can quickly come to simple conclusions, I am the “but what if.” My thoughts are attention whores and their constant bickering can feel like drowning. Practicing empathy and awareness through smooth and harsh sailing keeps me afloat.

The sunny side of this obsession is that it allows me to think abstractly and derive various conclusions to life's problems. My waves love to create all kinds of art. They allow me to be alone and entertained for extended periods of time. I think it's a major catalyst for my writing and expression in general. I can only hope that these expressions are right for me and benefit you in some way.

Troughs

Hallucinating Swan

Le Carnval des animaux r.152 (XIII Le Cyne)

i turn my head to the music upon its arrival

as if to see your face

i suppose

if i can't see you

hearing you is the next best option

i take a seat in the corner of the small hall

and when i close my eyes

there you are

What’s What

Oblivion

is better reached

when sober

if you plan on returning

to this place called

reality

Hope and Romance

Perhaps now i’m

a lovers best wish

hopelessly romantic

writing to Her

hoping

waiting

She will write back

“come back”

but after all

i’m still

hopelessly romantic

Not Left Tonight

Your dress has traded places

with my face tonight.

it lays on the floor

while I am draped on you.

For once upon a time,

I made the right decision.

Perwomanence

I love writing in pencil

because I can erase it.

I’d much rather be writing in memories

despite their intimidating permanence.

Taste Buds

In bed

at the beach

out on the town

anywhere

with you

milk and cookies

In bed

at the beach

out on the town

anywhere

without you

toothpaste and coffee.

Sometimes

Sometimes there’s nothing to say

not a right time or a wrong

the words are just hidden

nothing but useless descriptors

of a moment

I breathe

attempt to let go

try not to think

of what those words might be

in the end

they may never come to me

that’s ok

I may be at a loss for words

I still have my breathe

and sometimes

that’s all you need.

How I’m feeling

I’m worried

your worried?

about you

about me?

it’s painstaking

so we separate

sparing ourselves

one another

how can this be?

you are gone

and I’m still worried about you.

makes me wonder...

are you still worried about me?

what is happening?!

I thought we should be

worried together?

God is a woman

“One girl I never had

is the one girl hell never will”

Allen Rayman

I never had all the words

I never will

Thats why

we are all

here together

She or Her

I keep a ring in my pocket

in case she comes back

if that doesn’t happen

I will find her

I want them all

to know how much

they mean to me

and I’m sorry yet in love

that I can only choose

one

Cheers

“Where are your glasses?”

She spun around gazing hazily towards me.

The cabinet still open behind her.

“I only have bottles.”

Had she thought I was a traditional romantic?

Her gaze slowly began to fade,

had she came to the wrong place?

I let the cynicism mature.

“Try the other one, to the left.”

Her eyes,

lips,

slowly brightened.

As did the candles, I lit.

She grabbed two glasses.

I returned with the bottle.

What Would You Die For?

I want to be more

happy,

loved,

helped,

admired,

satisfied,

The more I want,

the less I am.

The more pain I feel.

My pain resides in my wants.

If I always want those things;

if I always want more,

then I will never have more.

It’s not about what I want.

It’s about what I want to

Feel this pain for.

Those ‘smaller’ things

are what I should live for.

Fixing broken glass

Darling,

I know you see

all the cracks that make me

me.

But even my darkest nights,

couldn’t brake the biggest part of me.

And so, I still love you.

Even though, I know I can’t.

Mr. Nobody

i didn't have anybody

to talk to

i married you

thinking that it meant we

would stay together

somehow I

never felt so alone

In Love and Confused : What is Love?

“This isn't how it's supposed to feel!”

I’m confused, but intuition says she's right.

“I agree.”

Then how is it supposed to feel? I think.

Maybe

Me and you

are a daydream

a nightmare

a fantasy

much like our lives

we exist only for a moment

not meant to last forever.

Lying to Grandma

“Are you still with that girl?”

She doesn’t need anymore bad news.

I’ll spare her a smile anyway I can.

“Yes”

She smiles.

You were my saving grace

according to her.

She doesn’t know much of anything anymore,

much like the rest of us.

I try to keep things light, understandable.

“Grandma are you off your rocker?”

“No!”

“Rock on then!”

More smiles.

The Day We Met

I was shy,

reserved.

Several years away from

rebellion,

depression,

addiction.

You introduced me to

unknown fears,

side effects of

unconditional love.

My eyes were nervous.

They still are

much softer than

my voice.

Insomnia

I try to sleep

Half past 2:30am

I break

my eyes close

part of me

lies dormant

the other tirelessly wanders

looking for my other half

unaware

its lying unconscious

far from

this nightmare.

Sucking in the day

Cigarettes get my ass out of bed

i enjoy them

but they still don’t compare

to the taste of your nipples

Urn

my art

scatters sparkling ashes

while my heart still drums

to the beat of life

so the debris from

my rotted corpse

can pretend

it’s more

than dust

You Only Need One

I’d give you all

my butterflies

to let you feel

how

I do

one last time.

I Selfishly Fantasize

I had gotten you pregnant

so I could fill the void

you created in me

with your beautiful

mind body and soul

If only

she liked me

but hated my writing

we could read each other's minds

instead of each other's words

our story wasn’t so passionate

it could be simpler

you loved me

like I love you

Privileged

Don't kill your dangerous dreams

that's what good parents are for!

I don’t

How do I get over

my beloved ex?

Kit-Katz and cigarettes,

lots of

Kit-Katz.

How Do You Plea?

I’ve lied

been lied to

I’ve said terrible things

been told terrible things

I’ve lost battles to demons

watched others lose theirs

I’ve let people down

been let down

all in my struggles with love

the one thing

I am not guilty of

is walking away.

Your Ink Runs through My Veins

My pen ran out of ink

writing about her

time to move on

to another pen

“Why did you guys break up?”

“We kept comparing our highs to

eating chocolate.

When we first started dating,

we were so skinny,

but as years passed,

the chocolate highs didn’t fade

like we did

so we broke up.

Then I realized,

Both of us,

had doubled in size!

It didn’t feel right

and we needed to stop

if we wanted to be skinny

again.”

Fishing

I was a can of worms

she didn’t need to open

she had plenty

of bait

Martyr

I love you more

myself less

everyday

forever and always

that’s just who I am.

Plan B

I'm your lost cause

the painful cure

for your worst fear

ending up alone

In Love

I always am

is that my problem?

Missing a Solution

My valuable

problem

I miss

our excruciating work

Home

She had everything here

the luxuries of the world

at her fingertips

to have everything

can feel like nothing

so she frequently ran away

searching for something

other than what she had

she ventured into

the excitement of the unknown

seeing the corners

of new worlds

shaping herself into

something deeper

while she enjoyed

the excitement

floating high above her depths

she missed the comfort

of the shallows

so she would always return

to the weightlessness of everything

as she grew older

she continued running

not away but

towards something

she is still searching for

Locked Out

confidence is key

then

I better

get a spare

get good at picking locks

Negative Reinforcement

a fortune cookie

falls from my ceiling

I part it

pull out the slip

and read

“that once upon a time was a

dream. Your nightmare is just

starting to unfold... ”

I throw the cookie in the trash

the slip

I keep.

An Owl of the Night

a Drooping Flower of the Day

I can’t rid myself of passion

or love

they are

my drug

my cancer

and me

I desperately need sleep

but my corrupted obsession

won't allow it

I’m Not Wrong!

Pretending

I have all the answers

is a blanket

I use to comfort

my ego

New Candles

I didn't set my world on fire on purpose.

I lit a scented candle that smelled good

at the time.

My new one smells much better,

but surely there will come a day

I’ll need another.

These lines

Beneath my eyes

aren’t wrinkles

they are erosions

arroyos From the tears

waterways that still flood

with rushes of memories

overflowing from me

because of you

Candor

I’ve been staring at the mirror

waiting for happiness

to smile back at me

happiness didn’t lie within the mirror

but within me

So I stopped

looking in the mirror

I’ll come back around

after this dance

less broken than this promise

like I never turned the lights off

Everyone Loses

Losing a war to love

is more painful

than losing several wars

to hate

About losing you

How would you feel

if your unborn child ran away?

that’s how I feel

frantically looking for you

♥

You put a mere dent in it

I was the one

who tried to shatter it

You Can Run

Not accepting the truths

that scare you

is sending them invitations

for them to haunt you

Sleep when Dead

If listening to me

exhausts you

can you imagine

how tired I am

sometimes

Insecurity Blanket

I fell

deeply in love

with my fake alter egos

I didn’t know

they were building an army

to destroy my one and only

soul

Length

Skydiving

The higher you allow

love to take you

the higher you must be willing

to fall

and when you do

your true loves

will jump after

to catch you.

Synonym for Courage

If I was truly scared

I would’ve never looked

into those eyes

let alone

said “Hi”

The Game

I got tired of playing

so I made new rules

I still get tired

perhaps even more so

because I enjoy playing

much more

Shallows

Even at its darkest,

The water

is not as deep

as it seems.

New Candles

I didn't set my world on fire on purpose.

I lit a scented candle that smelled good

at the time.

My new one smells much better,

but there will come a day

I’ll need another.

Mortal

Don’t try to play god

it’s the quickest way to hell

a crooked path

that brings pain you’ve never felt

placing your name above

the rest

is a disguised pitfall

to get on top

we don’t have to play god

we don’t have to kill ourselves.

OCD Artistry

I try to mimic everything I find beautiful

with an unreachable obsession

for perfection

Pain demands to be felt

Listen to it

express it

learn from it

rest

fall short

continue

listen more

express more

learn more

rest

repeat

A Powerful kind of Powerless

Why do I watch the same sad romance movie

over and over again?

It’s not like I always enjoy the tears.

I just haven’t seen another movie

that makes me feel that way.

Truthful kind of Love Mantra:

One day someone

will not only

fall in love with me

and they will stay

on the ground

Laughing and crying

through troughs and crests

because of my crazy

and hers

YouandI

Life will always hold more

to love

to cherish

from past

present

and forward

until death

will it part

not until then

we realize

you and i

were never

separated

to begin with

陰陽道

There are happy people

and sad people

what demon said

you have to pick a side?

Coin

The flip side of being my friend:

you never know what side your going to get.

And if that scares you

I must be terrifying

She or Her

I keep a ring in my pocket

in case she comes back

if that doesn’t happen

I will find her

While I want them all

to know how much they

mean to me

I know that I can only

choose one

Blowjobs

Depression sucks

but so do a lot of other things

that I love

Donuts

Life for me

can be like driving in circles

since I have motion sickness

I try to slow down

then the pressure

isn’t so overwhelming

Wild Impulses

I’m compulsively obsessive

My brain enticed with bombarding thoughts

The good

Bad

And ugly

Poking at my mouth until

I vomit them into existence

Oopse

I read my dad some of my poems last night

now I’m not allowed in the house

until I finish rehab

Perhaps some peace and quiet will help

my writing

hopefully my absence helps his sanity

Perceptions in Traffic

There is no rush

it's just an exhausting delusion

a self-crafted reality

that attempted to make me feel

more important than I am

Strike

Getting back with you

would be the happiest / scariest

day of my life

sounds right up my alley

Sorry Everybody

I thought I was smarter

than you

turns out

you were right

about a lot more

than I thought

We need to use the Restroom

We can't wipe away

our problems

we can’t get all

of the shit

out of our assholes

we can always dig deeper

trying to wipe away the crap

and just as we may think

we’ve done it

we feel that urge

beckoning us back

to the toilet

No More Delays

I love the shit outta you

no matter what

because we

only have so much time

left

Rise and Fall

I seem to change a lot

like all the time a lot

it's how I stay alive

just as the breath

the inhale

and exhale

All the time

We don’t change.

we are changing...

Crests

Does Life have a Meaning?

Lucky for us

we get to decide

they’re not always visible

but i prefer looking at the stars

before choosing.

Anxious Dreamers

As fear floods

your body

and blood rushes

from your heart

in your gasping

breath

your dreams become

reality

You shine like the Moon

i would say the sun

but it’s illumination is not as well contrasted

You stand out in the night sky

like you do in a crowd

and you're surrounded

by these unknown sparkles

No More Delays

I love the shit outta you

no matter what

because we

only have so much time

left

She told me

Keep writing

hopefully she thinks it’s good

because it’s not

all about her

anymore

Reaching down

Heaven is weird

without you

but it feels good

take my hand

you gotta see this

Fall into Place

Nature is not my beast

therefore I do not blame it

nor do I blame myself

Instead I take responsibility

and wish the same

for all else

The Glass

we are both

empty and full

living and dying

pick your

poison or antidote

spread your

ashes or inspiration

and let others

do the same