Wandering The Waves

Preface

 

Embracing emotions can be liberating. It can be dangerous. All of them; the pains, sorrows, joys, the in betweens. They come and go compatible with the tides of the ocean. Each day brings new waves within each of us. 

 

I have tried to defy these waves for years. At times, I still do. It seems that no matter what I do in the water, I exhaust myself when battling against the natural cycles of nature.

 

Whereas remaining still, I find peace in the motion. We don’t frequently give consent to our deepest sentiments. They aren’t tangible. They don’t have to deal with the consequences of the physical realm. They can’t be criminally charged for harming us, they’ll never find “the one,” or get married, and they won’t feel any more or less than they are.     

 

Our gifts and curses lie within our ability to shift between these sensations. Most suffering arises from our inability to adapt; to become fluid. My deepest anxieties reside in my useless fights to stop the various monsoons of life. As I continue, the storms will too. As I better understand them, I become more capable of riding them out, and recognizing the beauty in the destinations they push me to.   

 

I am an obsessive thinker. Curiosity keeps my thoughts racing through my mind one after another. My brain feels like a battleground of ideas fighting to make it out of my mouth or onto paper. I try to see things from infinite angles. In circumstances where others can quickly come to simple conclusions, I am the “but what if.” My thoughts are attention whores and their constant bickering can feel like drowning. Practicing empathy and awareness through smooth and harsh sailing keeps me afloat.

 

The sunny side of this obsession is that it allows me to think abstractly and derive various conclusions to life's problems. My waves love to create all kinds of art. They allow me to be alone and entertained for extended periods of time. I think it's a major catalyst for my writing and expression in general. I can only hope that these expressions are right for me and benefit you in some way. 

 

Troughs
























 

Hallucinating Swan

Le Carnval des animaux r.152 (XIII Le Cyne)

i turn my head to the music upon its arrival 

as if to see your face 

i suppose 

if i can't see you

hearing you is the next best option

i take a seat in the corner of the small hall

and when i close my eyes

there you are  





























 

What’s What

Oblivion 

is better reached

when sober

if you plan on returning

to this place called

reality
































 

Hope and Romance

Perhaps now i’m 

a lovers best wish

 

hopelessly romantic

 

writing to Her

 

hoping 

waiting

 

She will write back

“come back”

 

but after all

i’m still 

 

hopelessly romantic 





















 

Not Left Tonight

Your dress has traded places

with my face tonight. 

it lays on the floor

while I am draped on you.

 

For once upon a time, 

I made the right decision.































 

Perwomanence

I love writing in pencil

because I can erase it.

 

I’d much rather be writing in memories

despite their intimidating permanence. 

































 

Taste Buds 

In bed

at the beach

out on the town

 

anywhere

with you

 

milk and cookies

 

In bed 

at the beach

 

out on the town

anywhere

without you

 

toothpaste and coffee.





















 

Sometimes 

Sometimes there’s nothing to say

not a right time or a wrong

the words are just hidden

nothing but useless descriptors 

of a moment 

 

I breathe 

attempt to let go

try not to think 

of what those words might be

 

in the end 

they may never come to me

 

that’s ok

I may be at a loss for words

I still have my breathe 

and sometimes

that’s all you need.



















 

How I’m feeling

I’m worried

your worried?

about you

about me?

 

it’s painstaking

so we separate 

sparing ourselves 

one another

 

how can this be?

you are gone

and I’m still worried about you.

makes me wonder...

are you still worried about me?

 

what is happening?!

I thought we should be 

worried together? 



















 

God is a woman

“One girl I never had

is the one girl hell never will”

 

  • Allen Rayman

 

I never had all the words 

I never will

Thats why

we are all

here together

She or Her

I keep a ring in my pocket 

in case she comes back

 

if that doesn’t happen

I will find her

 

I want them all 

to know how much 

they mean to me

 

and I’m sorry yet in love

that I can only choose 

one 

























 

Cheers

“Where are your glasses?”

She spun around gazing hazily towards me.

The cabinet still open behind her.

 

“I only have bottles.”

Had she thought I was a traditional romantic?

Her gaze slowly began to fade,

had she came to the wrong place?

I let the cynicism mature.

“Try the other one, to the left.”

 

Her eyes,

lips, 

slowly brightened. 

As did the candles, I lit.

She grabbed two glasses.

I returned with the bottle.





















 

What Would You Die For? 

I want to be more

happy,

loved, 

helped,

admired, 

satisfied,

 

The more I want, 

the less I am.

The more pain I feel.

 

My pain resides in my wants.

If I always want those things;

if I always want more,

then I will never have more.

 

It’s not about what I want.

It’s about what I want to 

Feel this pain for.

Those ‘smaller’ things

are what I should live for.

















 

Fixing broken glass 

Darling, 

I know you see

all the cracks that make me

me.

 

But even my darkest nights,

couldn’t brake the biggest part of me. 

And so, I still love you.

Even though, I know I can’t.

Mr. Nobody

i didn't have anybody

to talk to 

 

i married you 

thinking that it meant we 

would stay together 

 

somehow I 

never felt so alone 





























 

In Love and Confused : What is Love?

“This isn't how it's supposed to feel!”

 

I’m confused, but intuition says she's right.

 

“I agree.”

  

Then how is it supposed to feel? I think.
































 

Maybe

Me and you

are a daydream

a nightmare

a fantasy

 

much like our lives

we exist only for a moment

not meant to last forever.






























 

Lying to Grandma

“Are you still with that girl?”

She doesn’t need anymore bad news.

I’ll spare her a smile anyway I can. 

 

“Yes”

She smiles. 

You were my saving grace

according to her.

 

She doesn’t know much of anything anymore, 

much like the rest of us.

I try to keep things light, understandable.

 

“Grandma are you off your rocker?”

“No!”

“Rock on then!”

More smiles.





















 

The Day We Met

I was shy,

reserved. 

 

Several years away from

rebellion,

depression,

addiction.

 

You introduced me to 

unknown fears, 

side effects of

unconditional love.

 

My eyes were nervous.

They still are 

much softer than

my voice.  





















 

Insomnia 

I try to sleep

Half past 2:30am 

I break 

my eyes close

 

part of me 

lies dormant

the other tirelessly wanders

looking for my other half

 

unaware 

its lying unconscious

far from

this nightmare.

Sucking in the day

Cigarettes get my ass out of bed

i enjoy them

but they still don’t compare 

to the taste of your nipples

Urn

my art 

scatters sparkling ashes 

while my heart still drums 

to the beat of life

 

so the debris from

my rotted corpse

can pretend 

it’s more

than dust  
































 

You Only Need One

I’d give you all

my butterflies

to let you feel

how 

I do

one last time.




 

 

I Selfishly Fantasize

I had gotten you pregnant 

so I could fill the void

you created in me

with your beautiful 

mind body and soul

 

 

If only 

she liked me

but hated my writing 

 

we could read each other's minds

instead of each other's words

 

our story wasn’t so passionate

it could be simpler

 

you loved me 

like I love you

Privileged 

Don't kill your dangerous dreams

that's what good parents are for!

I don’t 

How do I get over 

my beloved ex?

 

Kit-Katz and cigarettes, 

lots of 

Kit-Katz.

How Do You Plea?

I’ve lied

been lied to

I’ve said terrible things

been told terrible things

I’ve lost battles to demons

watched others lose theirs

I’ve let people down

been let down

 

all in my struggles with love 

 

the one thing 

I am not guilty of 

is walking away. 

 

Your Ink Runs through My Veins

My pen ran out of ink

writing about her 

 

time to move on 

to another pen

 

“Why did you guys break up?”

“We kept comparing our highs to 

eating chocolate.

When we first started dating,

we were so skinny,

but as years passed, 

the chocolate highs didn’t fade

like we did

so we broke up. 

 

Then I realized,

Both of us,

had doubled in size!

 

It didn’t feel right

and we needed to stop 

if we wanted to be skinny 

again.”

Fishing

I was a can of worms

she didn’t need to open

 

she had plenty 

of bait

Martyr

I love you more 

myself less

everyday

 

forever and always

that’s just who I am.

Plan B

I'm your lost cause

the painful cure 

for your worst fear 

ending up alone

In Love

I always am

is that my problem?

Missing a Solution

My valuable

problem 

 

I miss 

our excruciating work

Home

She had everything here

the luxuries of the world

at her fingertips

 

to have everything

can feel like nothing

so she frequently ran away

searching for something

other than what she had

 

she ventured into

the excitement of the unknown 

seeing the corners

of new worlds

shaping herself into 

something deeper

 

while she enjoyed 

the excitement

floating high above her depths

she missed the comfort 

of the shallows

so she would always return

to the weightlessness of everything

 

as she grew older 

she continued running

not away but 

towards something

she is still searching for

Locked Out

If 

confidence is key 

then

I better

get a spare 

or

get good at picking locks

Negative Reinforcement

a fortune cookie 

falls from my ceiling

I part it

pull out the slip 

and read

 

“that once upon a time was a

dream. Your nightmare is just

starting to unfold... ”

 

I throw the cookie in the trash

the slip 

I keep.

An Owl of the Night

a Drooping Flower of the Day

I can’t rid myself of passion

or love

 

they are 

my drug

my cancer

and me

 

I desperately need sleep

but my corrupted obsession

won't allow it


 

I’m Not Wrong!

Pretending 

I have all the answers

is a blanket

I use to comfort 

my ego

New Candles

I didn't set my world on fire on purpose.

I lit a scented candle that smelled good 

at the time.

 

My new one smells much better,

but surely there will come a day 

I’ll need another.

These lines

Beneath my eyes 

aren’t wrinkles 

they are erosions 

 

arroyos From the tears

waterways that still flood

with rushes of memories

 

overflowing from me 

because of you

Candor

I’ve been staring at the mirror 

waiting for happiness 

to smile back at me 

 

happiness didn’t lie within the mirror 

but within me 

So I stopped 

looking in the mirror

27

I’ll come back around

after this dance 

less broken than this promise

like I never turned the lights off

Everyone Loses

Losing a war to love 

is more painful 

than losing several wars

to hate

 

About losing you

How would you feel 

if your unborn child ran away? 

that’s how I feel

frantically looking for you

You put a mere dent in it

I was the one

who tried to shatter it

You Can Run 

Not accepting the truths

that scare you

is sending them invitations

for them to haunt you

Sleep when Dead

If listening to me 

exhausts you

can you imagine

how tired I am

sometimes

Insecurity Blanket

I fell

deeply in love

with my fake alter egos

 

I didn’t know 

they were building an army

to destroy my one and only

soul  

 

Length

 

Skydiving

The higher you allow

love to take you

the higher you must be willing 

to fall

 

and when you do

your true loves 

will jump after

to catch you.

 

Synonym for Courage 

If I was truly scared

I would’ve never looked

into those eyes

 

let alone

said “Hi”

The Game

I got tired of playing 

so I made new rules

 

I still get tired

perhaps even more so 

because I enjoy playing 

much more

Shallows

Even at its darkest, 

The water 

is not as deep 

as it seems.

New Candles

I didn't set my world on fire on purpose.

I lit a scented candle that smelled good 

at the time.

 

My new one smells much better,

but there will come a day 

I’ll need another.

Mortal

Don’t try to play god

it’s the quickest way to hell 

a crooked path 

that brings pain you’ve never felt

 

placing  your name above 

the rest

is a disguised pitfall

to get on top 

 

we don’t have to play god 

we don’t have to kill ourselves.

OCD Artistry 

I try to mimic everything I find beautiful

with an unreachable obsession

for perfection 

Pain demands to be felt

Listen to it

express it

learn from it

rest

 

fall short

continue

 

listen more

express more

learn more 

rest

 

repeat

A Powerful kind of Powerless

Why do I watch the same sad romance movie 

over and over again?

 

It’s not like I always enjoy the tears.

I just haven’t seen another movie

that makes me feel that way.

 

Truthful kind of Love Mantra:

One day someone

will not only 

fall in love with me

 

and they will stay

on the ground

 

Laughing and crying

through troughs and crests 

 

because of my crazy

and hers

YouandI

Life will always hold more 

to love 

to cherish

from past 

present

and forward 

 

until death 

will it part 

not until then 

we realize 

 

you and i 

were never

separated

to begin with  

陰陽道

There are happy people

and sad people 

 

what demon said 

you have to pick a side?

Coin

The flip side of being my friend:

you never know what side your going to get.

 

And if that scares you

I must be terrifying

She or Her

I keep a ring in my pocket 

in case she comes back

 

if that doesn’t happen

I will find her 

 

While I want them all 

to know how much they 

mean to me

 

I know that I can only

choose one

Blowjobs

Depression sucks 

but so do a lot of other things 

that I love

Donuts

Life for me 

can be like driving in circles

since I have motion sickness 

 

I try to slow down 

then the pressure 

isn’t so overwhelming

Wild Impulses

I’m compulsively obsessive 

My brain enticed with bombarding thoughts

 

The good 

Bad 

And ugly

 

Poking at my mouth until

I vomit them into existence

Oopse

I read my dad some of my poems last night 

now I’m not allowed in the house 

until I finish rehab

 

Perhaps some peace and quiet will help 

my writing 

hopefully my absence helps his sanity

Perceptions in Traffic

There is no rush

it's just an exhausting delusion 

 

a self-crafted reality 

that attempted to make me feel 

more important than I am

Strike

Getting back with you 

would be the happiest / scariest 

day of my life

 

sounds right up my alley

Sorry Everybody

I thought I was smarter

than you

 

turns out 

you were right 

about a lot more

than I thought

We need to use the Restroom 

We can't wipe away 

our problems

 

we can’t get all 

of the shit 

out of our assholes 

 

we can always dig deeper

trying to wipe away the crap

and just as we may think 

we’ve done it 

 

we feel that urge

beckoning us back

to the toilet

No More Delays

I love the shit outta you 

no matter what 

because we 

only have so much time 

left

Rise and Fall

I seem to change a lot

like all the time a lot

it's how I stay alive

 

just as the breath

the inhale

and exhale

All the time

We don’t change. 

we are changing...




 

 Crests

Does Life have a Meaning?

Lucky for us 

we get to decide

 

they’re not always visible 

but i prefer looking at the stars

before choosing.

Anxious Dreamers

As fear floods

your body

and blood rushes 

from your heart  

 

in your gasping

breath

your dreams become 

reality

You shine like the Moon

i would say the sun 

but it’s illumination is not as well contrasted 

 

You stand out in the night sky

like you do in a crowd

and you're surrounded

by these unknown sparkles

No More Delays

I love the shit outta you 

no matter what 

because we 

only have so much time 

left   

She told me 

Keep writing 

hopefully she thinks it’s good

 

because it’s not

all about her

anymore

Reaching down

Heaven is weird

without you 

but it feels good

take my hand 

you gotta see this

Fall into Place

Nature is not my beast

therefore I do not blame it

nor do I blame myself 

 

Instead I take responsibility 

and wish the same 

for all else

The Glass

we are both 

empty and full

living and dying 

pick your 

poison or antidote

spread your 

ashes or inspiration   

and let others 

do the same

YouandI

Life will always hold more 

to love 

to cherish

from past 

present

and forward 

 

until death 

will it part 

not until then 

we realize 

 

you and i 

were never

separated

to begin with